Will A Child Make Me Whole?

I swear Instagram will be the death of me. Listening to Moses Sumney and coming across cute babies and pregnant bellies on my Instagram explore page is not what i had in mind for a Friday night. I find that these days, any little thing can trigger past trauma. Mostly my decesion to terminate a pregnancy 11 years ago. I am in total desperation to have children of my own. I am 32 years old, and have no children. Now, let’s look at my dilemma, there are many factors that one must consider before having a child right? A Husband, a home, financial stability. I have observed that it is imparitive to know who you are creating life with. It’s like you’re applying for a new job, filling out an application, then going in for the interview. Now, you don’t even have to engage in the actual act of sex, you can go to a sperm bank and take your pick of the most potent sperm from eligable donors (there’s also suragacy and insemination). But i want both parents in the home, a family dynamic. I want to enjoy the process of conceiving a child (wink wink that’s the fun part) but i want to start this journey with a man that i know will be there. I hope I’m not loosing you here, are you still with me? Great!

Children are an absolute joy to be around (parents i know sometimes they can drive you nuts). Their honesty is unparalleled, and their laughs are contagious! I imagined that I would be hearing that giggle, but unfortunately I made a decision that haunts me, and will haunt me for the rest of my days.

I’m saying all this to say, i am ready for a child. I have been asked so many questions, such as, “why would you want kids”? you’re young, your free, kids will just slow you down, travel, see the world, live your best life”! Well, I’m here to say “my best life would be me becoming a mother, bring it on”! I think i would be a great loving parent.

I often ask important people in my life what it’s like to be a parent, some reactions I get are pretty positive and pretty awesome, some are not, but being a parent and raising a child is no easy task. I witness it daily. As an early childhood educator i get a front row seat and witness parenthood, I get to observe the bond and love a parent has for thier child. Me working with young children can, at times, trigger feelings and memories of what could have been. I put so much dedication and passion into my profession, it’s always been natural. Why wouldn’t I want to put that energy and love into my own child?

I’ve asked parents How they felt when they first held their child in their arms”? “what is it like”? with most responses, parents cannot begin to express how deeply centered and connected they have become to their newborn child. As soon as that child enters the world screaming his or her lungs out, that is the moment of total and utter unexplainable, unconditional love. I’m sure the words I’m using does it no justice, but stay with me.

Lets talk about the gift if Bonding between a child and a parent. Bonding is probably one of the most pleasurable parts of being a parent . This happens during the sensitive time in the first hours and days after birth when parents make a deep connection with their baby, Physical closeness can promote an emotion. To put it best, you fall “madly in love” with your child that had lived inside your womb for 9 months. Children thrive from having a parent or other adults in their life who loves them unconditionally and vice versa. This is an experience that I yearn to live out one day.

Having a family of my own remains a priority. Having a child would fill this uncontrollable void in my soul that was created when i chose to not keep my unborn child. I hope that this time around with therapy I will be able to manage unrealistic thought patterns surronding love and what it means to be “whole”. Will my need to have a child of my own complete me? Will having a “family” make me whole? Will i be able to properly heal from past experience with abortion? only time will tell.