Will A Child Make Me Whole?

I swear Instagram will be the death of me. Listening to Moses Sumney and coming across cute babies and pregnant bellies on my Instagram explore page is not what i had in mind for a Friday night. I find that these days, any little thing can trigger past trauma. Mostly my decesion to terminate a pregnancy 11 years ago. I am in total desperation to have children of my own. I am 32 years old, and have no children. Now, let’s look at my dilemma, there are many factors that one must consider before having a child right? A Husband, a home, financial stability. I have observed that it is imparitive to know who you are creating life with. It’s like you’re applying for a new job, filling out an application, then going in for the interview. Now, you don’t even have to engage in the actual act of sex, you can go to a sperm bank and take your pick of the most potent sperm from eligable donors (there’s also suragacy and insemination). But i want both parents in the home, a family dynamic. I want to enjoy the process of conceiving a child (wink wink that’s the fun part) but i want to start this journey with a man that i know will be there. I hope I’m not loosing you here, are you still with me? Great!

Children are an absolute joy to be around (parents i know sometimes they can drive you nuts). Their honesty is unparalleled, and their laughs are contagious! I imagined that I would be hearing that giggle, but unfortunately I made a decision that haunts me, and will haunt me for the rest of my days.

I’m saying all this to say, i am ready for a child. I have been asked so many questions, such as, “why would you want kids”? you’re young, your free, kids will just slow you down, travel, see the world, live your best life”! Well, I’m here to say “my best life would be me becoming a mother, bring it on”! I think i would be a great loving parent.

I often ask important people in my life what it’s like to be a parent, some reactions I get are pretty positive and pretty awesome, some are not, but being a parent and raising a child is no easy task. I witness it daily. As an early childhood educator i get a front row seat and witness parenthood, I get to observe the bond and love a parent has for thier child. Me working with young children can, at times, trigger feelings and memories of what could have been. I put so much dedication and passion into my profession, it’s always been natural. Why wouldn’t I want to put that energy and love into my own child?

I’ve asked parents How they felt when they first held their child in their arms”? “what is it like”? with most responses, parents cannot begin to express how deeply centered and connected they have become to their newborn child. As soon as that child enters the world screaming his or her lungs out, that is the moment of total and utter unexplainable, unconditional love. I’m sure the words I’m using does it no justice, but stay with me.

Lets talk about the gift if Bonding between a child and a parent. Bonding is probably one of the most pleasurable parts of being a parent . This happens during the sensitive time in the first hours and days after birth when parents make a deep connection with their baby, Physical closeness can promote an emotion. To put it best, you fall “madly in love” with your child that had lived inside your womb for 9 months. Children thrive from having a parent or other adults in their life who loves them unconditionally and vice versa. This is an experience that I yearn to live out one day.

Having a family of my own remains a priority. Having a child would fill this uncontrollable void in my soul that was created when i chose to not keep my unborn child. I hope that this time around with therapy I will be able to manage unrealistic thought patterns surronding love and what it means to be “whole”. Will my need to have a child of my own complete me? Will having a “family” make me whole? Will i be able to properly heal from past experience with abortion? only time will tell.


I Think I Need Therapy

Since the COVID-19 pandemic, the stay at home order, The death of George Floyd and global protests, things have been uncomfortable and difficult to cope with. I found that my anxiety has taken a toll for the worst. I have heard that with this time of isolation, it should be viewed as an opportunity to slow down, rest, regroup, re-prioritize, and to sit in whatever your feeling, positive or negative. I sat way too damn long. I found myself being swallowed by thoughts that i don’t usually have when i’m occupied. The thoughts are not really thoughts at all, but memories. Good and bad. Don’t you just hate good happy memories? i mean think about it, all the good memories that you may have experienced with people who are no longer in your life. The of laughter, peace, fun, excitement, great sex. Those memories are ingrained forever, they weigh out the bad memories. Scientist explain memories as “formed proteins that stimulate our brains cells to grow and form new connections literally rewiring our minds’ circuitry. Once that happens, a memory is stored in your mind, and for most of us, it’ll stay there as long as we occasionally reflect upon it or revisit it”.  “In fact, every time we revisit a memory, that memory becomes malleable again, the memory remains there as long as we revisit it from time to time,and is reset stronger and more vividly than before”. Isn’t that something? i know some of you wish that there was a way to erase the bad memories, some of the good one’s too depending on who is in it. It sounds silly imagining myself lying under a large magnetic device to swipe my memory hardrive, or taking a prescribed pill with the name “memory be gone” on the bottle is rather weird, but in a way, i wished that they both existed. I’m pretty sure i’m not the only one that experiences this often am i? Memories get intense, especially when you have nothing to do. I mean, its only so much cleaning, organizing, and reading a girl can do. I find it exciting and stimulating when there is noise all around, people here and there, kids screaming while they play, but it’s been a ghost town. This quarantine has opened up memories that i tried so hard to forget. When i sit in isolation, i take a deep journey into the unknown, the most dangerous place, my mind.

Finding out that i will be reunited with co workers, students, and parents on June 15th, made me jump for joy, Finally! i can become so immersed in my occupation that i wont have time to think of good or bad memories. If i do begin thinking of one of my many memories, my little alarm clocks will go off, (my students) and they will bring me back to the current moment. I will be able to center myself and fill my thoughts of tasks that need to be completed for that particular day. But what happens when i’m alone again?  what happens when i have completed all my tasks and my “thoughts” start to wander? Realizing that i may have to let go of a person, the memory of them, and the good times that were created, is painful. I want to relive that period in my life. I find myself fantasizing and creating new memories around the ones that remain there, as if i’m a director of my own movie. But the only thing about fantasy, it’s just that, a fantasy, a story that you create in your head, that in most cases never come to fruition. Acknowledging my thoughts and fantasies, and what i create in my head can trigger anxiety, trigger depression. Before the quarantine, i thought i had been mentally prepared to take on whatever fear, i thought i was prepared to sit in isolation.

Though Prayer, bible reading, and writing, kept my attention, my soul longed for something else, someone else. The progress i made with past therapy sessions and retreats had all of a sudden dissipated. I became “Her” all of a sudden. I Thought i had gotten rid of her, years ago, but she is still remains with me. So, since i am having a difficult time managing my “thoughts” and living in my own a mental prison, i decided that i should try therapy again,specifically CBT ( Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). This time around, i hope to focus purely on my  “thoughts” and how they can manipulate my decision making. I so desperately want to learn how to let go of the past memories and make better one’s. I want to learn in depth how to control my way thinking. I want the undivided individual attention of someone who will  listen and remain judgement free. According to the conversation, an online article, “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is one of the most scientifically reported treatments for anxiety disorders, But unfortunately, a recent us study indicates that in around 50% of patients, old fear memories resurface four years after CBT or drug treatment”. “Put in another way, the old fear memories seem impermeable to erasure through gold-standard therapy or drug treatment”. I wish to not become apart of The 50%. look forward to going back to work the week after next. I look forward to having a daily routine again. (can also trigger my anxiety)

When i return to work to see those adorable little faces, maybe the memories will decrease, maybe they won’t, but in any case…….I think i need therapy.



Featured Photo: Madamenoire.com

Newall, Carol, and Rick Richardson. “You Can’t ‘Erase’ Bad Memories, but You Can Learn Ways to Cope with Them.” The Conversation, 2 Mar. 2020, theconversation.com/you-cant-erase-bad-memories-but-you-can-learn-ways-to-cope-with-them-103161.

MacDonald, Fiona. “Scientists Already Know How to ‘Erase’ Your Painful Memories… And Add New Ones.” ScienceAlert, Fiona Macdonald, 15 Feb. 2016, http://www.sciencealert.com/scientists-have-figured-out-how-to-to-erase-your-painful-memories.